17th February 2019
Everybody in life needs some help at some point. I also think that everyone has the capacity to help others too. Help can come in many forms but can be divided into two types – physical help and emotional help. Physical help can include acts of kindness such as giving food or money to those who need it. Or help with a physical task that another person is unable to do due for themselves for whatever reason. Emotional help is helping someone with a problem that cannot really be fixed in a physical way, a problem that involves thoughts and feelings and might not have a quick fix solution.
As an Autistic, I really struggle with knowing how to help people with these kind of emotional problems, but that does not mean that I am not effected by them. There is a common myth or stereotype that Autistic people have no empathy, but for some people on the spectrum, myself included, the opposite is true. In fact if anything I have too much empathy to the point where if I see somebody who is suffering and needs help, it can cause me stress and anxiety too.
This has certainly been put to the test for me in the last few weeks, I won’t go into to detail but I have a close friend who has had a relative sadly die, a family member diagnosed with cancer, one of our horses had heart failure (and can no longer work) and somobody close to me has had a marriage break up. Although none of these things are happening to me directly, I feel a lot of worry and stress for these people and want to help them. All of these issues do not have a real physical solution that I can simply do to make the person feel better, it’s all about offering emotional support. Which might be simply what the person needs at a difficult time.
However, this is when I have a real problem. I am Autistic and with that comes social communication and interaction issues. As I said before, I can tell that a person is unhappy, suffering and needs support. My empathy is there but I don’t know how to really offer emotional support and this really terrifies me at times. I think that it is better explained with an hypothetical example.
Say I had a friend who I saw who was really upset due to a finding out somebody close to him had a serious illness. I would be able to tell and feel that this person is upset, that they need emotional support – such as someone to talk to and that I should do something to help. But here is the problem – what do I say? What if I say the wrong thing and make things worse? Should I hug them (which from a sensory point of view I struggle with anyway)? How much time should I give them? Should I check up on them regulary? Arrange another social meeting – urghh?
The worst of these is knowing what to say. If I am around somebody who is upset my mind races through several scripts and wordings on what I should say. “It’ll be ok”, well no I shouldn’t say that as it might not be ok. “Things will get better”, well maybe they won’t. Should I be honest and say “things might get worse before they get better” but then if I tell them things are going to get worse will that upset them more? Then what do I say to that? Do I apologise? Should I agree with whatever they are telling me even though inside I strongly disagree with them? Should I say I disagree with what you are saying? Have I upset them and so should I apologise? I can think this is the case sometimes even though logically there is no way that I am to blame for this person being upset.
Whilst trying to think of how to respond I can then suddenly realise that several minutes has passed and I have not given a response. I then might become very concious of this and go into a second panic mode, worrying that I have not correctly answered the person in the correct time. What makes it worse that this worry combined with trying to think of the correct thing to say, I can just say nothing and be standing there with the person. This makes me seem uncaring towards them which is far from the truth and adds yet more panic inside my head.
Another confusing point is sometimes the person in need of help, might not actually want a response, they just wanted to share the problem they are having in order to feel better. They might just want to be listened to. I understand this, as often I just need to “offload” what I am feeling to another person to feel better. However, how do you firstly know that the other person wants a response or not and secondly, how do you then respond to them to show that you understand that they don’t want a solution but you have listened to them and understood? Arghhh….why is this so difficult?
I would like to also state that the examples I have been using are based around the fact that someone is upset but the same communication problems will occur for me when dealing with a person who is angry. I simply do not know the best course of action when communicating with somebody else who is experiencing an intense emotion, whatever that may be.
It is also diffciult to respond to people through long distance methods of communication such as texting. For example, I might come across somebody I follow on Twitter with a problem, want to respond with a helpful, supportive tweet but will rewrite it several times before not sending it. The same thing happens to people I know in real life too. They might be going through a tough time and I will be thinking about them lots. On day one, I might think “I need to send them a text” and will then spend a lot of time thinking of what to say. It will then suddenly occur to me that it is now three days later and I still have not texted them. I can hate myself for this, as I want to be there for them but can just be rubbish at it.
I am Autistic so I put a lot of this down to me not being able to read people correctly in things like tone (spoken and written) and body language etc. I don’t know if people who are not on the spectrum have the same difficulties when they find themselves in similiar situations. They must do at times and I also think that who you are as a person and what life experiences you have had will be a big factor in how you offer emotional support and how effective it is.
On the plus side though, despite the difficulties I may have in helping people emotionally, I know that I do get it right sometimes. I have had responses such as “thanks for listening” or “what you said earlier helped” which is nice to hear as it shows that no matter how difficult it might be inside for me, I can still help people. Also despite the problems, I like to help people and will always try to. I just hope that if I do get it wrong and say the wrong thing then I hope the person involved can see that I am trying to help. It is easier for those who know me well and know I am Autistic too. Remember we all need some help at some point.