During the last adult autistic support group I attended, which was on Zoom last week, the subject of punctuality was raised. Nearly every autistic person in that meeting agreed that they hated to be late for anything, and the general consensus was that this was a common thing amongst a lot of people on the spectrum. As “An Autistic’s View” is all about my own experiences of being autistic, I began to think about my own thoughts on being late for any occasion.
The truth is I would have to agree with the people in the group – I do hate being late for anything, although I am equally sure that this is true for a majority of neurotypical people as well as autistics.
I often really panic about being late for things, especially meetings, and I think that a lot of this panic is exaggerated because I am autistic. Autistic people tend to overthink things and in some people this can lead to catastrophising, where a person assumes that the worst outcome to an event will happen. This is regardless of the facts. So for example for me, being late to a work meeting will mean that I will then be disciplined for being late, which will lead to me being put on a performance review, and eventually lead to me getting fired. There is then the worry that I will not be able to get another job and so on…. Even being five minutes late, which in reality is nothing (more on this later) can create this level of worry. The really horrible fact of it all though, is that these anxious thoughts are also present BEFORE the meeting, in the form of the dreaded “what if I’m late?” question ruminating inside my head.
This will then lead to an extreme behaviour undertaken by me in order to NOT be late. So say my meeting was at nine o’clock and it would take an hours drive (according to google maps), then I would probably set off two hours before, arrive 45 minutes early and then sit in the car waiting for the meeting to begin. A bit of a waste of time, although there are always things I can do in the car. The important thing is that I would not be late. Most of my work colleagues would set off at the hour before, or even just 15 minutes earlier. This is where my anxiety shows itself, in the amount of time I allow myself to be at my destination or event prior to it happening. I raised this at my autistic meeting and a lot of the people there agreed with me that they always do the same. Being much earlier then needed in order to not be late.
Another example of extreme behaviour when it come to punctuality is connected to preparation. If a task is required to be completed by a certain time, a very small task, and there is plenty of time to do it, I will firstly, have to do it straight away to make sure it is done, and secondly will constantly check that it is complete and correct. This is because there is a fear in me that the task will be late. As you can imagine this can cause me a lot of worry at work when approaching deadlines.
It is not that I hate being late, it’s more the fear of being late. There is an old saying which is “better late than never” although this is no comfort to those who dread not being on time. There are also some people who can not bear the lateness of others, even by a few minutes. I have encountered people like this, who would be so upset, bothered or even angry, if somebody else is late, even for a few minutes. If you worry about lateness then they can make your anxiety even worse, but remember their issues with punctuality are not yours. Saying that, I found it easier never to be late around them if I could help it so not to increase any upset.
There are also degrees of lateness. What I mean by this, is that there is a big difference between being five minutes late rather than half an hour. A difference in being late one day or being late every day. Everyone is late on occasion, there are many reasons why even with the best intentions, life can make you late. Extreme traffic jams for example. However, if you are late everyday, then it might be creating a problem for you and will need attention, especially if you worry about tardiness.
I think nobody wants to be late or even early for that matter. It is more about how an individual processes how they feel about being late. If you can shrug it off without worry then great, but if you can’t then you need to be able to manage that. There are lots of things that you can put into place to help, diary planning, time management, not create a too packed diary for yourself and being realistic about time required to do anything. Sometimes you will be late even with the best intentions and I think a critical thing is to remember that you did everything you could to be on time, it’s probably not your fault you are late and that in the grand scheme of things it might not be that important. Apologise to the people you are meeting, forget about it and get on with the task in hand. Anyway I had better finish this blog now….. I don’t want to be late for the next thing…..