21st October 2018
Have you heard the phrase “Is the glass half empty or half full?”. It is a question that is asked to determine if a person is an optimist, meaning they have a positive outlook on life, or a pessimist, meaning they have a negative one. If you say half full, you are a deemed to be a positive person, as you can see that you still have half of the delicious beverage left to enjoy. If you say half empty, people think you are negative, as half the lovely drink has now been drunk and there is no longer a full glass to enjoy.
So when asked the question what is my answer? It is that the glass is both half full and half empty. When you think about it this is factually true – the glass really does exist in a half full, half empty state. So what does this say about me? I think of myself internally as an optimistic person although I know I can be very pessimistic and I know that most people perceive me as being negative. I think that the fact I am Autistic is a factor on the way I see myself and others see me in terms of positive and negative. That is why I want to explore this now and see what others think.
Firstly lets talk about me being a pessimistic person, someone who always sees the negative and appears to suck the joy out of life. I have spoken about this before in blogs, about not being able to look forward to holidays, events etc. The common factor here is my anxiety. Some Autistic people tend to have a higher level of anxiety then neurotypical people and this certainly is why I can appear negative to others.
For example, I might have a social event at say my favourite restaurant, with people I get along with, at location that does not involve travelling and has my favourite food. Everything seems perfect and most people would be looking forward to dinner. However, I am worrying about being ill and not being able to make it and so letting down my friends.
I might go into work, and because I am worrying about this, speak about it to my work mates. It can be difficult for me, as an Autistic person, to put myself into another’s point of view, but lets just think about how I would be perceived by those at work. It is likely they would be thinking “blimey Rob is so negative, he’s got this great meal lined up, but all he can think about is being unwell”. The perception is one of me being on a downer, negative and pessimistic. This scenario can also happen when I have to deal with any change too.
Another good example of my negativity is dealing with what I call realism. If something has a small percentage of happening, then to me, it can mean a real black and white outlook. Take roller-coasters for example. Let’s say they are proven to be 98% safe to ride. To me this means they are not safe. Why? Because there is still a 2% not safe factor.
It does not matter that the majority of “positive safeness” is far greater. There is still a small chance that it is not safe, so in my mind it is completely not safe. If I was discussing why I would not ride a roller-coaster with others, and I stated this justification then there is no doubt that I would come across as a pessimistic. I do realise that this is actually an unhealthy way of thinking, especially with small percentage factors, but it is exactly what goes off in my mind – it needs to be 100% safe, otherwise the fact is for me, it is not safe.
As a brief side note I understand that in life I have to do things that fall under this, such as driving a car. Statistically, this is a safe thing to do (I am not sure of the exact numbers) but the fact is that every tome you get in a car there is a risk of an accident. Therefore it is not 100% safe which means why would I do that? However, I choose to drive to function within my life, which means I am going against what I think. I believe that this is one of the reasons I suffer travel anxiety.
The final factor which I think makes me come over to others as negative is honesty. Autistic people are very honest in their nature and I think I can sometimes fall into this definition. Sometimes in a social situation it is better to ignore any negative points and concentrate on just the positives, often this is done to spare the feelings of others. Here is an example, say somebody has a new haircut in an office. Most people would say good things to the person such as “it looks great” or “it’s made you look much younger” whether they thought this was true or not. A person that says something like “but the colour is all wrong” is obviously a negative person in the group, although everyone is probably thinking that very point. Honesty can make you appear as a pessimistic, and I think on occasion I fall into this.
Anyway that is enough negativity, time for the reason that I feel I am actually a positive person. The main reason is one that I find very hard to express to other people, I am not really able to process the emotion and it happens unexpectedly at times. I am not sure why but I do experience moments of real positive happy feelings, which often occur when I am viewing something that is natural and extremely beautiful. I can get a real sense of euphoria that can even move me to tears. It is very common for Autistic people to have very good attention to detail, in fact that they often miss the bigger picture. I am no exception to this and can feel very happy and positive about life when observing things that are often missed by others as they move about their busy lives.
Examples of this often occur in the natural world and include the intricate patterns on leaves, spiders webs, clouds and the physical space between objects (who thinks about what space they are looking at? I do, and if you have never done this then try it). I can look at these things and I feel something that is extremely hard to describe, but is very very positive and makes me grateful to be alive. I love being Autistic and having this attention to detail characteristic that I don’t always see in others.
The next factor which I think makes me an optimist, is my ability to see realism. Hang on, wasn’t that a negative thing? Well, yes, but it is also a positive. For example, when I hear other people talking in a negative way about certain topics I can sometimes see really strong positive ones that they are not thinking about.
A great example of this is when people are talking about the weather. If it is raining it is always a negative response, the fact that rain is actually defined as bad weather proves this further. However, I love the rain, it has so many good sensory opportunities for some Autistic people, that it can only be seen as a positive thing. So if people say the rain is bad then surely they are being pessimistic? After all, without rain we can not grow food, have beautiful gardens, see rainbows, clean things, experience certain wildlife etc. Rain can be a bad thing, i.e. flooding, but to completely define it in a negative way is something that I would not do.
Finally, I think the way I collect and share facts and information makes me a positive person. I do this for two reasons, as it makes me feel good about myself and I like to think that sharing information with others is a way of helping that person. Okay, I do appreciate it that they might not want that knowledge, and that sometimes I can bore people spouting information about whatever subject, but it does have a real positive feel for me inside.
It is difficult to describe but I am pretty sure that if I was completely pessimistic, then I would not have the energy to do this. The sharing might not look like a positive act for some, but it is for me. I think people would not understand this feeling unless I explained it to them though. I don’t know, but this is just my opinion and a factor I think is worthy of inclusion here.
So after analysing this I think I have both positive and negative attitudes. I feel inside that I am positive, but the things that make me feel that are often hidden from others because I find it difficult to express those feelings or wouldn’t want to show them often. They are difficult to communicate and they would not perhaps be perceived as good to others.
My attention to detail, the things I love and enjoy in life, my family, friends, pets, my achievements, goals and ambitions all make me a positive person. However, I am often negative and this comes across more strongly to others mainly due to my difficulties dealing with anxiety, change, social issues and even sensory. Note that these are all aspects of my character and, as I am Autistic, part of that nature too. The pessimistic part is definitely more prominent but that is only one part of me that is exposed more to others as I need to do this as a coping strategy. I have a really good positive side too, it’s just a little hidden.
Finally, like the glass, I think we all have a half full, half empty part to our natures. It just exists in a different percentages of empty/full for different people. One thing I have learned from writing this though, is to perhaps not be so judgemental of others. Everyone has many sides to them good and bad.