29th October 2017
It is well documented that people on the Autistic Spectrum often have higher levels of anxiety then those who are not. I certainly would agree with this. I would saying being an Autistic has only one real negative aspect for me and that is the worrying about absolutely everything. There are lots of things that cause me to be anxious, but today I would like to talk about just one of them – travelling.
I think of travelling as an necessary evil to be honest. You cannot avoid it, human beings always must get from A to B as they move through life. For me though it causes many problems. I think it is best illustrated with an example. Say in six weeks time I need to journey to a destination which is about two hours drive away. I have never been there before and I need to arrive at a set time. I have no other passengers but I am meeting people there when I arrive. Straight away my mind would go into overload with a barrage of questions “What if I am ill and can’t go?”, “What if I have an accident or get loss?” “How do I get there, will the roads be difficult to navigate?”, “Is there likely to be a lot of traffic, speed cameras, other physical problems?”, “If I am late, will I let down the people I am meeting, what are the repercussions of this?”, “What if I am tired and have a shutdown or meltdown?” and these are just a few of the questions that I might have depending on the journey.
Now it would be easy if I could just answer these questions immediately and forget about them. However, due to my anxiety this is extremely difficult and can be impossible to do. The questions are repeated over and over again in my head from the moment I need to make the journey till I actually go. The only time they do not penetrate my head is during sleep and even upon waking they will immediately return to haunt me. This is what creates the anxiety when I have to travel. The anxious thoughts then take their mental toll and I even suffer physical symptoms, mainly digestive issues which are rather unpleasant. If you suffer the same then this is easy for you to understand, but if you don’t then imagine something that worries you and imagine feeling that constantly. Then imagine feeling ashamed/embarrassed that you can’t handle this simple part of life like most people. Especially something that is so trivial. Just driving an hour up the road. When I have been asked to make journeys at work, I am always envious at how little my neurotypical work colleagues make of it, where I just feel sick and full of dread.
It does not make a difference if the journey is a professional or private one. The feelings are the same but the content of the anxiety may be different. For example, on a work journey I might be concerned about getting into trouble, even fired, if something went wrong such as illness, a car breakdown or being late. In contrast, a personal journey like going out for the day, might generate worries such as letting down those people I love by being ill or having a meltdown/shutdown. Even journeys to places I really want to go to, have the same difficulties for me – alone or when travelling with others. So whatever the reason, the anxiety builds and builds, running up to the point where the journey is made. So what happens on the actual journey?
To be honest, I have discovered that when actually travelling it is never as bad as the worry that comes before it. The thought of travelling is far worse than the doing. The period before the start is when the anxiety is at its most intense. Then as soon as I am behind the wheel I do feel better. The problem is that after weeks of worry, this takes a mental and physical exhaustion on you. I often feel shattered. Sometimes this can spoil the activity or event that I am travelling to as I just want to sleep. Although upon arrival I often find a moment of joy, that the worry is over, I’ve made it and I can relax. It should be noted though that is more stronger after a departure journey going home then an arrival. An arrival means that I still have the drive home to worry about. The period of joy is also short lived. After I have enjoyed or completed the reason for travel, this good feeling is often replaced by shame. All the trouble I have caused myself and worse still others. This includes those I work with as well as the people I live with. In particular my wife who has a lot to put up with, when I am dealing with an upcoming journey. I wish I did not affect others but I just cannot help it – although I am eternally grateful for the support I get from my wife, colleagues and friends during these difficult times.
So what do I do to get through the anxiety of travelling? Although I can never eradicate the worry, I can do things to cope with it. Hopefully, some of these things may help others who read this blog. Firstly, it helps to talk to others about what I am experiencing. Sometimes what I am concerned about with regards to the journey is just my mind running overtime. For example, I might be worrying about being late for a work meeting at the end of a long journey, the worry might manifest itself with the concern “that I might get fired for being late”. This is an irrational thought and is not true. By talking this through with others whom I trust, they can help me to see this. Although this will need to be repeated to sink in. Repeating the same conversations with people can be annoying for them but it really does help. This is also where CBT therapy can help too. By learning to question your own thoughts and take a step back from them in order to analyse them, you can see if they are true and what effect they are having on you. This helps you to start to rationalise your thoughts without help from others. I would recommend seeking professional help to learn CBT techniques (although there is a lot of literature and online information available) as it can be tricky to learn. Talking therapy, about the subject can also be helpful, with a good therapist or a counsellor. Be sure to find one who has an understanding of Autism though, in order for it to be most effective.
Another technique I use is to repeatedly write down the positive aspects of the travelling. I can find that my mind gets stuck on the negative aspects only and the positives get forgotten. Try writing the good points down. It can help to reinforce them in your mind and help to address the unbalance of negative thoughts. The things you have written can then be re-read over again to help further still. For example, preparing for a journey to an event, I might forget that I am looking forward to that event, to spending time with friends and family etc. Instead I think about being ill or letting people down. I have used this reality checks many times as an extension to CBT techniques and have found it to be successful. Also preplanning the journey to know what pitfalls and routes can also help.
Finally the hardest technique I used is to actually dwell on the anxious feelings for small controlled periods. Anxiety is horrible but they are just only thoughts. Any physical effects follow from the mental, so by tackling the mental worries the physical also eases. What I have been taught to do is to meditate on the anxiety with the side thought of “what I am feeling here cannot actually hurt me”. I do this for maybe five or ten minutes just to let the anxiety peek but in a controlled way. It kind of trains the mind to be more successful of tackling the higher periods of worry that arise. It is not very pleasant to do but I do find that it helps me. There are other techniques that also help, such as meditation, calm breathing, yoga, doing something you enjoy (your special interests), going for a walk, reading, watching TV, listening to music and loads more. Get the balance right. You might not be able to eliminate the stress but you can make sure there is good as well as bad in your life when having to travel.
As a last word on the subject of anxiety and travel, the easiest option is simply not to do it. No travel, no worry. This avoidance though is not healthy. By avoiding all travel a person would miss out seeing and doing things, including things that peak their interest. Ok it is stressful to travel, but without travel life becomes a lot less interesting. That is to say that you can choose to avoid journeys that are not worth it and to seek help from others. Work, for instance, if you have disclosed your diagnose, you can explain your difficulties with travel and only important journeys can be undertaken if absolutely necessary. It is in your control but do not limit yourself. Pick the journeys that you can handle. It is not easy but do not let your anxiety control where you want to go and remember a lot of people struggle with this, you are not alone.