23rd November 2019
It’s coming up to that time of the year again when the amount of socialising increases and the pressures to be part of the crowd, go out drinking or eating becomes more prominent for some Autistic people. It came to my awareness this week with my work’s Christmas social event being organised. I was talking to a fellow colleague, someone who I get on well with and knows I am Autistic. When in response to me saying it would be very unlikely I would go, he said “But why can’t you go? We would want you there as part of the team, and you talking to us is fine at work. I can’t see the difference…” Or words to that effect.
Immediately I was stumped on how to answer. I had had an incredibly difficult week and to be honest not performing at my best in terms of communicating, and I was confused on what to say. Firstly it clearly showed that there is still a lot of Autistic awareness needed and secondly, how do I answer? Should I even have to? Why can’t “No I can’t do that” simply be enough. I ended up showing him a National Autistic Society video on “Too Much Information” and went away feeling I had done a rubbish job in explaining how difficult socialising can be for me at times.
Therefore I thought I would expand my reasons in this blog. As always everyone on the Autistic spectrum is different and these explanations are purely from my point of view, but I am sure many Autistic people reading this might recognise the odd thing.
Number one. I can talk effectively with a colleague in the office at work because it’s an environment I know well and also because I am used to talking to them there. It’s familiar and there are less likely to be any changes that could upset me. Attending a social event at a location I do not know can cause anxiety because I do not know where I am going, the layout of the place, the location of things etc.
Number two. OK the people I know from work will be at the location but there will also be people I don’t know. Again this can cause anxiety as you never know how people are likely to behave. For example, if somebody occidentally bumps into me, are they going to get angry? What will they say to me? How do I communicate with them to make them understand it was an accident? What if my body language is wrong and causes offence? The list goes on. Plus social locations such as clubs and pubs often have drunken people who are less in control of their actions. To me it’s a scary factor that I would just rather avoid.
Number three. The sensory issues created by attending a social event can be horrific. A lot of social activities involve going to places that are often noisy, might have harsh lighting, have particular smells etc. which can cause me to have sensory overload. Sensory overload can lead to anxiety, physical ill feelings and upset. Even though I might be with people who understand how sensory issues can affect me, there will also be other people there who don’t. This can be embarrassing for me, which is another difficult feeling to process. Plus there might not be any “safe” areas I can escape to, if the noise or sensory issue becomes too intense.
Number four. Social events, especially at during the holiday season, might mean travel. Local travel is not too bad, but most of the time people want to travel into cities or big towns. One of my big anxiety hang ups is travelling. It is extremely stressful for me to catch public transport, drive and be a passenger for different reasons. Therefore if I am invited to a social event in a city, I immediatly feel sick at the thought of having to get there. Just the thought of it can be extreme and painful, making me feel tense, nauseous and anxious.
Number five. Autistic people can really struggle with communication and social interaction. It is one of the things that can define being Autistic. In my own experience it can be difficult to communicate, even with people I know well, at any particular social event. This can be due to many of the reasons, some mentioned above. Sometimes it is just difficult and it’s hard to pinpoint the reason. The number of people in a conversation can be a factor too. Three or more people and it might become difficult to know when to join in during the conversation. Also it can be difficult to do the whole “banter” thing which people tend to do when on a social activity. Most people want to laugh and tell stories whereas I just want to talk about maths or something more factual. There can be a definite clash of ideas. I should note that this isn’t always the case but it does happen.
Number six the amount of energy I have can effect if I can attend a social event or not. Often I have only so much energy and I need to be able to recharge. If I have been on one event say earlier in the week, I might not be able to manage another, as I am still recovering from previous one. During the holiday season there are a lot more then normal, social events happening and I am unable to attend them all without overloading myself and causing a meltdown. However, I am going to pick the events that mean the most to me, so dinner with my family will naturally rate higher then a work social event. This is no reflection on anybody, it’s about me and what I can cope with. I need to rest in-between events and sometimes this is not possible. Therefore in order to stay healthy I have to decline some events.
Hopefully this shows some of the difficulties, worries and trauma a social event can cause me as an Autistic person, and why I can’t always do it. It’s nothing personal to anyone and believe me sometimes I feel angry at myself for not being able to go to things. It is because I am reacting to one or more of the reasons I have discussed here. I want to be social and I want to be part of things but when it’s weighed up against my mental well being, often it’s just not worth it. I’m sorry but it is just the way things are. Thanks for reading.