1st July 2018
Trigger warning – Meltdowns, Stress, Anxiety
Today I want to talk about meltdowns. It is a difficult subject to discuss sometimes, due to the horrible nature of them, but I wanted to talk about a meltdown I had this week for two reasons. Firstly, I want to just re-affirm that adults on the Autistic Spectrum do experience meltdowns and that it is not just children that go through them – an Autistic person is Autistic for life. Secondly, this particular Meltdown happened whilst I was at work, which is something that does not often happen to me.
So what happened? There has been a big event at work which involved a whole week of both staff and customers attending a breakfast networking session, followed by presentations and a manufacturing factory tour. I had known it was going on and my department was booked to go on it at the end of the week. The problem started before the event, I had not received any agenda on what was going to happen. I knew that this was the day I was to attend but I was not sure what was going to happen. This was not just me though, as some people who were attending were wearing PPE (personal protective equipment – boots, Hi Vis etc.) for the tour whilst some were not.
This instantly made me feel panicky – should I wearing PPE? I knew that this would be provided at the start of the tour, but the event was being started at a marquee which meant walking on site to get to it. There are strict rules on wearing PPE, but then customers had been walking down there all week without wearing it. I was confused. Therefore the anxiety levels in me began to build – I felt flustered, my chest was panicky, I began to pace, visit the toilet often and walk along corridors as I waited for the time to go over to the tent.
Eventually it was time for us to go and there was a fair few people from my office and other departments walking to the site. They all seemed excited about what was going to happen but I felt anything but that. I just wanted to run away and not go. Although, we don’t get the opportunity to be involved in these kind of events often, so there was a part of me that also wanted to be included. As we walked, people were talking but I was struggling to communicate properly, I could feel my brain starting to let me down as my speech was halted and this made me feel more self conscious. As we headed to the marquee we moved through the small entrance into a crowded area to get name badges and my senses just exploded.
I felt hot, sick and I began to feel really teary – my head was screaming “You can’t do this! Get out – go back”. I should point out that some people know I am Autistic but the majority of the workforce don’t. I was beginning to feel anxious that I was displaying odd body language or stimming and just looking odd. There was also a lot of external customers and I didn’t want embarrass myself or the company in front of them. Luckily I was with my team who know me and one of them did an amazing job of trying to help. For the plant tour we were going to be split into smaller groups, and she made sure that I was on the same group as her. This was a big help (if she reads this then Thank you!!) and when we got our badges we also had an itinerary of what was going to happen. This was great but it was a little too late to bring me back down from my current state.
I moved further into the tent and was hit by sensory overload. We all know that this is heightened when in an anxious state and the clattering noise of people talking, lack of open spaces to stand, the temperature, and unusual shape of the room all made me feel tense and tight. I began to hyper focus on details in the room and realised that there was only one way in and out which I didn’t like. I moved to the back of the tent. During the start of the morning, you are meant to go mingle and talk to people but I was beyond that. My body felt like it was filling up with sand, heavy, tense, panicky. The worst part was suppressing the need to cry. That would have been embarrassing and would not help any future career within the company. It was now taking all of my effort to look normal and make this work, not to let anything worse happen.
There was food in there and I ate a small croissant, (which I didn’t want) to try and help what was happening to me. I didn’t think I was going to be able to do this but I did managed it and felt slightly more positive. My colleague persuaded me to stand with a small group of people I knew. I could tell she was concerned about me and then I felt guilty – was I spoiling the experience for her? There was way too many emotions happening and the noise in the room would not let me work out what was going on inside my chest. My brain was mush – all that was telling me is “Just go. You can’t do this. You’ll get hurt if you stay here”. I was so hot and prickly.
Then to my absolute horror the CEO of the company walked over to introduce himself. Now, as a little back story I have always wanted to meet the CEO. I am just an average worker, but one thing I am passionate about is diversity in the workplace and so I have always wanted to meet the CEO and perhaps even discuss the importance of it. Here was my perfect opportunity, but as he offered his hand and introduced himself I froze. My name badge was twisted and he asked who I was, I did managed to stammer out my name but that was it. No other question came to me to try and keep a conversation going. I had lost my chance and this made me feel a few more emotions into the mixing pot – anger and frustration.
Things did get a little better then as the presentation started, which made things a lot quieter and I could focus on the facts and figures – what would I do without numbers! And after that, the various groups broke off, meaning that there were fewer people. There was one sensory incident when somebody accidently touched me, which felt like I had ice water thrown over me but generally I was starting to do better at suppressing what I was going through – although I knew it would catch up with me later. The visit to the factory was ok despite a lot of sensory input – I was more in a “shutdown” state now and I managed to get through the rest of the morning ok.
The afternoon was a mix of emotions. The adrenaline had gone and with the urge to just flee, but now I felt ashamed, worried, angry and tired about what had happened. Loads of people must have noticed that I wasn’t right and I kept asking myself “what must people think?” for the rest of the day. I like to think that I don’t care what people think but sometimes this isn’t true. The rest of the day wasn’t too bad but I knew that the full effect of what I was feeling was still to happen.
And it did, on the drive home. In the car on the way home I finally could cry and get that suppressed emotion out of me without fear of judgement. So that is what happened, the outcome of a delayed meltdown. I did feel better afterwards but also exhausted from everything that had occurred. If you are reading this as an Autistic then you will probably understand this, and if you are Neurotypical, then I hope my clumsy attempt to document this gives you some idea of how horrible meltdowns are. Even once they are over the effect of them can take days to recover from. Luckily, this all happened to me on a Friday, with a weekend to recover, which fortunately I had little to do. I currently feel tired, have poor concentration and feel unable to do much. Even this blog is being written in short bursts. I will be ok later after some rest but I also wanted to document the after effects too.
So why am I telling you all this? In order to show one negative side of Autism that is often seen in children but can be hidden in adults. To raise awareness of meltdowns. I managed to get through this day and I know that my younger self would have struggled more. This was not the first meltdown I have had and won’t be the last, but I do understand them now. I know what is happening and that I will get through it. It is a horrible experience though and I hope that this blog shows that it is not something that Autistic people grow out of or are able to control. It is just what I am, so all I can do is hope for acceptance and understanding when I face these times.