11th March 2018
Warning! This blog contains a first person description of somebody experiencing extreme anxiety during a day.
I want this blog to be a bit different. One of the things I find difficult to explain to Neurotypicals is how changes in my environment can make me feel anxious. These changes can be very minor but can have a massive effect on me. Autistics often dislike change, preferring routine but it is hard to demonstrate this to others without them thinking we are blowing the situation out of proportion. So in this blog I want to try and show this by using a hypothetical event. Please note that the situation is not strictly accurate, but hopefully will serve a purpose to state what goes on in my mind when a minor change occurs. Please read on, it will make more sense…
Picture A at the top of this blog is a mock up of what my desk at work looks like. One morning I arrive at work to find that my telephone has been moved so that it now resembles Picture B. This is a timeline of my day and how this would affect me. I have also rated my anxiety level out of ten, with ten being highly anxious, whilst a rating of one not anxious at all.
8:15: Arrive at work (ANXIETY LEVEL: 2/10)
8:30: Oh, somebody has moved my phone. I’ll just move it back. Hang on it has a new cable, so it can’t reach where it should be. I wonder what is going on? Nobody mentioned this. I see that everyone’s phone has a new cable and has been moved. Must be something that IT has done. There wasn’t an email about it? It shouldn’t be where it is… I can’t answer it and type at my screen properly now. And what if I want a drink. (ANXIETY LEVEL: 3/10)
8:45: Everyone else arrives at work. They ask me if I am ok. Of course I am not – my phone has been moved and I don’t know why. Do I answer truthfully? Will they think I’m over reacting about a phone? I will play it safe and say “ok” and then casually ask about the phones. My boss tells me that IT has changed the cables so they have a better phone signal. The old cables did not work as efficiently and calls were getting lost. I stay quiet. (ANXIETY LEVEL: 3/10)
9:00: Ok nobody else is fussed. It is just you who is freaked out. I try to reposition the phone and rearrange the desk but nothing works. My anxiety feels stronger, like my chest is foggy and my head is slightly fuzzy. What do I do? I have just been asked why I am trying to move things around. I murmur it’s not right, the phone is wrong. Everyone has started working now. I look at the clock and realise that I have done nothing yet. I work seven hours in a day so that is approximately 7% of the day wasted. Has my boss clocked that? (ANXIETY LEVEL 4/10)
9:30: I try to get on with my work. Don’t look at the phone, look at the computer screen. Concentrate. Concentrate. Nobody else is bothered. They are just getting on with their work. Try and do the same. Copy them. Get on with your work. The phone is in the wrong place. Just get this project done. Don’t think about the phone. You will get used to the new layout. Give it time. The phone rings. I look at it and awkwardly answer…. (ANXIETY LEVEL: 5/10)
10:00: Ok so now I am trying to use CBT techniques to calm myself down. I am practicing deep breathes and thinking logically how stupid it is to feel this weird about such a silly thing. I feel something else but can’t place it. Guilt? Shame? Why do things like this affect me so much? I know it is because I am Autistic, but somehow this does not help. I just want to get on with my work like everyone else. I just want to fit in. I don’t want to be trouble or get into trouble. I know I am losing productivity. Perhaps I need a break. I get up for a coffee. (ANXIETY LEVEL: 5/10)
10:30: The break away from my desk has helped slightly. I feel slightly calmer. I have sorted the coffee and tea jars into order in the kitchen. This has given me some slight control back. I walk back to my desk hoping that everything is now back to the way it was. But I return to the office and there is a flush of panic rising in me as I know, (and then see) the phone is still wrong.
Even the proportions of the phone are placed in the wrong location and not lined up with the computer. Ok, ok, ok. I need to do something about this. I need to somehow take back control. I consider talking to my boss but I want to impress him, not show weaknesses such as this. How will I ever progress in the future if I did? What if he thinks I am a problem? (ANXIETY LEVEL: 6/10)
11:00: I have decided to ring IT and see if I can get them to find me a longer cable. Problem is I have to use the phone – this feels wrong. I get a voicemail service for them, but I hang up. I can’t use voicemail. It’s too difficult as I’m too stressed by the whole situation. I don’t trust that I might not say something wrong. When feeling het up I am known to stumble and say things I shouldn’t. I can picture myself saying “Why have you changed the phone?” in an angry panicky tone.
I give it five minutes and ring again. This time I get a response and to my surprise I calmly explain the situation. Leaving out the simple truth, which is what I really want to say, that because my brain is wired differently I am super stressed about my phone moving. I can’t tell if IT are being helpful or not. They have no longer cables but can order one in for me but it will take two days to arrive. Two days. (ANXIETY LEVEL: 7/10)
12:00: Managed to get some work done. My boss has asked if everything is ok. He is noticing that I am not right. He knows I am Autistic and has been extremely supportive in the past, but I feel ashamed to admit this trivial thing. There is a part of me that understands how stupid this is and how trivial. But it is not strong enough to override the emotions. I suddenly become aware that I have been sullen and not joining in with conversations with the rest of the office.
This might also be a problem. I am not a team player today. Will they all remember that? Am I bringing down the mood of the room? I feel panic rising. My whole body is twitching. I want to pace up and down. Rub my feet together. Stim. It’s lunchtime but I cannot eat. I need a break so I go out for lunch, for a walk down the muddy, country lane amongst trees with no people and no phones. I feel slightly better as I know the sensory input from this will help. (ANXIETY LEVEL: 6/10)
15:00: The afternoon is going very slowly and my mood has not changed, if anything I am feeling worse, as the normal stresses of the day are also adding to how I feel. I am feeling exhausted. I carry on with my work. I type a line of text and then my eyes glance to the phone, still sitting in wrong position. I type another line; my eyes wander back to the phone. I read the line I just typed. Delete it. Rewrite it. Delete it. Look at the phone. Delete again. Write some more. I can’t concentrate. Suddenly aware that everyone in the room is a thousand times more productive then me. Would I even be missed if I didn’t work here? So tired trying to force myself to work. I don’t communicate much with anyone. Feel hot, itchy and sick. (ANXIETY LEVEL: 8/10)
16:00: Nearly home time. I have tried to cover the phone with a piece of paper so I don’t see it in a desperate attempt to get some final work done. My energy has completely gone though. Feeling anxious all morning has made everything that is sensory louder. The scraping of chairs, people tapping their feet, the heat of the room, the smell of coffee. All seem a thousand times stronger than normal. All a distraction, all of them feeling painful and piercing. My brain does not work.
Functionally I am spent. I press on desperate to get home and lie down. To be in a situation that works to the way that my brain works. I am not sure what I feel at the end of the day. I certainly do not feel that I have achieved anything. I feel tired, anxious and ashamed that I have let something that I know logically is stupid, ruin my day and have such a negative effect on me. The only good thing is that my longer cable is on the way and this can be fixed. I just have two more days to get through. (ANXIETY LEVEL: 8/10)
Thank you for reading this. It is written to show how such a simple change can have a devastating effect on me as an Autistic, with high anxiety. As a closing thought, please be aware that this situation (as fake as it is) could have been avoided if IT had spoken to the Autistic person in advance. Then they would have known that repositioning the phone would create a problem and the longer cable could be ordered in advance. This whole day could have been avoided.
If you employ an Autistic person then please be aware that even the smallest changes to environment can have a tremendous negative effect on them. Communication and pre-warning is crucial to avoid rising anxiety levels and to create a happy, productive working day for that person and those around them.