23rd September 2018
I am proud to be Autistic, but don’t get me wrong, there are some factors of being on the spectrum that have a negative effect on my life which I wish I could simply remove. The main one being my anxiety. Anxiety is not an exclusive feature of Autism, but it is well documented that Autistic people tend to suffer with anxiety due to the way we are wired. I think the reasons for this includes the increase in sensory overload and the misunderstandings we have existing in the world when social interaction is not always easy.
The worst part of anxiety for me, is the fact that it really prevents me from looking forward to things. I hope I am not alone with this. If I have an upcoming event in my diary, the anxiety levels start to rise. The worries about being ill, things going wrong, letting others down, any dangers associated with the event, social issues, eating issues, timing problems and the constant stream of “what if” questions just go round and round in my head.
Anxious feelings then become the normal state and they create physical issues too, such as digestive problems. It also doesn’t always matter how long it is till the event happens, the feelings are often the same, whether it is months away or just a few days. Sometimes a few days is better as there is less time to ruminate on things.
The point is that these feelings prevent me from getting excited and looking forward to doing things. I could understand this if the event was something I was not looking forward to, something I was dreading anyway, but the same state of mind occurs with things that I want to do, places I want to go, people I want to be with, things I want to see and experiences I want to have. Holidays for example, I love to be on holiday, but getting there is a nightmare mentally and the sad thing is I often question is it worth it?
Well, yes it is. Most of the time once I have arrive at the event, destination or whatever, I can be fine and really, really enjoy it. Holidays are the best example of this, as I have a had some truly wonderful times with my wife on holiday and made some great memories. Memories which can cheer me up during stressful and unhappy times. Therefore this is totally worth the days or weeks of reduced happiness that anxiety can create leading up to them.
I do try and fight the anxiety though. I do try and beat it. Although if I am honest I do not think it can be beaten, just managed and contained. I use many techniques for this including medication, meditation, CBT, counselling/therapy, writing down positive thoughts, questioning the anxious thoughts, mindfulness, breathing techniques, stimming, distraction, keeping busy, ignoring the problem, facing the problem, trying to accept the anxiety as part of me, eating well, exercise and many combinations of this list.
If you think it’s exhausting reading it, then imagine doing it. For somebody who can have periods of little energy, it can add to feeling tired. However, all these things are crucial to help me manage the worries and allow me to keep on top of anxiety so I can eventually enjoy the event.
The one thing I can’t do though is look forward and be excited about upcoming events, gigs and even holidays. There is too much involved in being able to be safe and well for the actual time spent at this places. I am sharing this in this blog because it is the way I feel, and I wonder if others on the Autistic Spectrum feel the same way and deal with it the same way? You see the thing is, not being able to look forward to doing exciting things makes me feel angry too. Very angry.
I see and hear most people talking about how they can’t wait for this to happen, that they are looking forward to that holiday and it can really upset me. Don’t get me wrong, I accept who I am. I won’t be able to be like them but at the same time I am a little jealous. It would be wonderful to spend weeks enjoying the anticipation of going somewhere new on holiday rather than worrying about things going wrong. Always purposely trying not to think about it. It must be nice.
I am Autistic, it is who I am and I love me (I wouldn’t change me for the world!) but I would change the anxiety which is sometimes made worse by the way I think.
I want this to be a balanced blog, so I also want to state that there are things that I do look forward to. They are the things that bring me little or no stress and anxiety. Like a weekend with nothing to do but watch movies, work on my website and most of all spend time with my wife and our horses. Therefore I know I can have the appropriate “looking forward” feelings and emotions but they are simply not strong enough to overcome the anxiety when it is present.
I hope this blog is not too depressing. I wonder if anybody else out there feels this in the same way? If so then you are not alone and that surely has to count for something. I genuinely do look forward to hearing from you. See what I did there……